This is one of those days. Battles galore raging in my mind.
I hate conflict. Therefore I hate battles. SO WHY DO I HAVE SO MANY BATTLES GOING ON IN MY LIFE? Why do I let them continue? Most battles are won eventually. These battles that I am dealing with seem to be on a perpetual cycle of repeat.
My mind tries to drive me insane. Sometimes I think it’s working. Then I talk to my psychologist and he assures me that I am not.
I have every reason in the world to be happy. I am truly blessed with a faithful husband, 2 beautiful healthy children, a roof over my head, food on the table, friends and family that love me. Most important I am a DORK (Thanks Wendy for that acronym). DORK in this sense stands for Daughter of a Righteous King. I am a Christian. I believe Jesus died on the cross to save me from my sins. However I am not sure if my heart truly accepts that I am good enough. Or maybe it’s that my heart knows but my mind can’t comprehend why someone would give the life of their son to save ME. Why me? Am I worthy?
My faith is not strong so the attacks of the enemy hit harder and deeper than they should. Right now I have the faith of a mustard seed. I am supposed to be able to move mountains with that small amount but right now I’m not making much progress.
One thing I am realizing today is that I have NEVER been independent. I have never stood on my own two feet. I’ve always had someone to fall back on. That makes me angry at myself. When I say that I’m not saying I want to be independent now. I do not want to run away and live on my own in some foreign place. I love my husband, kids, family and friends. I could never leave them. What I’m saying is that I have regrets and fears concerning my ability to take care of my self and my kids if something were to happen to my husband. I do think of and wonder what would happen if he were not here. My marriage has been unstable for years. We are both to blame. We have not had God at the center of our marriage. Our communication is extremely difficult. We definitely don’t speak the same “love language”. Also he is miserable in his job and he has a lot of health issues. I am a stay at home Mom. It’s scary to think about the future sometimes. Yesterday at church the pastor asked us to think about the one thing that we desire most at this point in our life. He told us to ask God for that one thing. My desire was for a solid, stable marriage. I know God will do what he has planned. I just wish I could hear Him. I don’t allow myself enough quiet time to just listen.
Even though I am not sure what God’s plan is I know He won’t do all the work. I’ve got to do my part. I have made the first step. I am seeing a professional counselor. He’s helping me realize that I put too much stock in the happiness of others. I think I am superwoman and super important sometimes. I sometimes (okay a lot of times) think that me or my actions are ultimately responsible for EVERYONE’S happiness or lack there of. As I was told recently in the kindest way possible ” I am just not that important.” I am not responsible for anyone’s happiness.
In conclusion, I know I will face battles in my life. I just need to find the right kind of armor to wear for each one. The toughest battle of all is the battle between the mind and the heart. It’s a good thing God know our heart because if we lived life based on what our minds take in and tell us about ourselves then we would be lost forever. I hope to hear from God soon so I can see myself through his eyes and see my heart. Now off to find that quiet place so I can hear what He’s trying to say to me.